Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
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Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Yup
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES