My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
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until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
A little too much information.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”