My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
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My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
nyc:
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
my astrological sign is a french fry
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.