Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
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Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
We all have our pet causes.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel