Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
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What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO