It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
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I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Inside you there are two wolves
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
do what now??
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese