If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Interior design 👌
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
is nasa ok
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.