My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
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inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what