There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
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I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Ron is short for Aaronald