I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
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Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Yup.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?