Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
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My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.