Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
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You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again