Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
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I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee