“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
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Customer is always right
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
the council will decide your fate
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.