I think something went wrong here?!🤔
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Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
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Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.