friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Go hard or stay average
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I think my mom just blocked me
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
how much for the angry fruit?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.