Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
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Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.