Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
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JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.