I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
You Might Also Like
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Whisper out to librarians!
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Everyone’s family
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.