I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
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Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.