Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis