Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
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(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes