guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
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My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
That took me a moment.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago