“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
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My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.