Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
You Might Also Like
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I’m giving up for Lent.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My dad is at it again
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a