Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
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I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Dear Lord..
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.