Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
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If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life