the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Go hard or stay average
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis