Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
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Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house