I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
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You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
A great tip. #CakeRex
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.