If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
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Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.