friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.