Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
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Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.