How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
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Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.