Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
You Might Also Like
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Simple
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
She: I like Cats
He:
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
How software testing works
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again