Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
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I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.