I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
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“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I love snow
– People who never shovel
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Always a metermaid never a meter
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.