if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
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Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”