Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
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I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word