SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
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Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I am all good here, 😂😉
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.