[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
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My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.