Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
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stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
beware of dog
How do you milk an almond?