Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
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that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…