Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
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HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
If you want my opinion ask my wife
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.