Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
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This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
79.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.