I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
This dude got his own movie?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.