Eating my way out of the ball pit.
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I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.