Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
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My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.