My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
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My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.