me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
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(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.