“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
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Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
is this how new cars are made??
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Just a bush.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking